IVF

This post has been a long time coming.  I've thought about writing it more times than I can remember, more times than I'd like to count.  Every time I sit down on a computer, it's all about me and what "I" want to do with that time.  My wife, on the other hand, my lovely, amazing wife has talked about "us" and "me" on her blog so many times that I would have to write a dozen posts just to cover half of them.  So, this post is not going to have any pictures, just words.  It's a reminder to my better half that, I, too, have thoughts, feelings, and insecurities about certain things we go through.  Really, it's to show her I care, no matter how few people actually read this.  It's for her.

I can't tell you exactly what the experience has been like going through this infertility thing.  Before IVF, I could have told you that infertility meant nothing to me.  It was a word without emotion, without feeling, without pain.  There was no anger, no feeling of failure, and no tears.  There was no guilt, no sadness, no dark and dreary days.

Up until that point in time, around the time we started realizing that this infertility 'thing' was tightening it's grip on our reality, life had been void of this word.  Now, our life seems consumed by it...no, no, that's not it.  My wife IS consumed by it.  The very word is like a virus in this world for those who are trying to create a family, and there is no cure because it is "unexplained". 
Back when this all started, a little over 2 years ago, I was the one who initially made us wait.  I was the one who said, "Honey, it can wait. We will get pregnant in no time, so what's the rush?".  Bobbi on the other hand, a person whose heart and soul and very fiber of being was and still is predestined to have children and be a mommy, wanted kids probably much sooner than when I gave the go-ahead two years ago.  Now, if you know me well, you would know that one thing I like to say is: Have no regrets. Life is short.  Be patient.  Time will tell.  Let's see what happens.  Blah blah blah, Bobbi's heard these words a million times and I'm now starting to wonder how awful it is to hear those kinds of things from me.  I mean, COME ONE we shoulda been pregnant by now right?  I guess not, and do I have regrets?  For me, to wish to go back in time and change something, the shoulda, coulda, woulda's, have begun to dig like a nail in my brain.  What if we'd started trying right after Ella was born?  Why was I so stubborn? What was I scared of? Was Bobbi right and I was wrong? Was God talking to Bobbi and not me? Did I do what was right by trying to wait? All of these questions are valueless and pointless and ridiculous because we have what we have: a baby girl named Ella, who is now 4 years older and not getting any younger.  Fault? There is none, but it goes without saying that you can't help but look in the past and wish things went different. You can't help but wonder certain things, and those thoughts all stem from one single one word: Infertility.

My wife has been through the ultimate white-water rapids carnival.  Picture floating down a quiet, bubbling stream. There's nothing but flowing fields of wheat on both sides, and mountains in the back grounds.  You can't see too far in the distance, because you're totally distracted by what's right in front of you.  A little while down the stream, you see signs of change. Not change that is necessarily bad, just change...like the quickening pace of water, or maybe you hear a slight but steady roar in the distance ahead.  Then the water gets faster, and you have no oars to slow you down so all you do is speed up, unable to control the direction or anything else for that matter.  You become scared, weary, and you want to grab for someone or something but no one is there to help.  This has been infertility for Bobbi, and I have not always been there during the white-water rapids trip downstream.  I have tried to be there, but let's face it. Guys and Girls are so different that it's impossible to put in words. Sure there are similarities, but overall we do not see things the same way.  Trust me, I've tried taking over that raft and finding ways to control it as it meanders downstream, but once it gets going it doesn't stop...especially if all you've ever wanted is the one thing you can't have: another baby.  
In the last two years, I've learned a lot.  It would be difficult to say who I've learned more about; Bobbi or me.  One thing is true, when a girl can't have what a girl wants, there's bound to be some emotions involved that not only are difficult to bare, but even more difficult to understand and relate to.

I've always thought I was a pretty sensitive guy! I cry at movies, I feel bad for people in all kinds of instances, I listen and I give input.  I always try to help people.  But sometimes, as I'm sure happens more often than any guy would care to admit, I think I give myself more credit than I deserve.  I cannot tell you how many arguments, fights, spiffs we've had in these past two years SIMPLY BECAUSE WE DID NOT UNDERSTAND EACH OTHERS POINTS OF VIEW!   Not that I'm counting either, because I hate it when we don't get along. I can't stand it when we don't see eye-to-eye, so at what point to you give in and allow yourself to appreciate the other person's feelings, emotions, opinions and points of view?  Why is control in a marriage such an issue?  Because we are afraid of losing it, or at least losing the perception of having it.  And I honestly don't want people who read this to think we don't get along, or that we don't agree on things.  Our marriage is a ten-fold stronger than it was in our first year of marriage.  We give in to each other, we make decisions together, and most importantly we appreciate and love each other to a degree that's immeasurable.  And yet, the fact remains that we have both been on different "rafts on the stream", or maybe, until lately, I wasn't even on the stream at all.  I've been trying...my hardest.  I have become slightly, if not quite a bit, more religious.  I still have my questions and, doubts, if that's what you want to call them, but I have an urge to believe...not only because I fear not believing, but because if there isn't someone like Him, than who is in charge?  And I believe more now than ever because Bobbi believes so strongly, even after the stream of infertility has nearly flipped her raft over so many countless and painful times. 

So to say the least, I am scared about IVF.  Not because it's a lot of money, or even because it's the last option to have our own baby.  I'm scared because I don't know how the stream will end, or where it will take us.  I don't know for sure who's in control, if anyone is, but I can honestly say that at least, now, Bobbi and I are on the same raft.  One thing that keeps me calm is hope...the cure for this infertility, the oars to the raft, the mountains in the background and the person sitting beside me.